Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition
by AdinaRJ
Summary: While browsing online one lonely day while Logan is in London, Rory comes across an interesting seminar and decides to write her own journal based on the topics on class. She hopes to explore who she is and maybe come up with some new revelations.
1. Prologue

**Addition to standard disclaimer:** "Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition" and Professor Jake Macklin are shamelessly stolen from the short-lived WB series "The Bedford Diaries." All diary topics are taken from each episode of the show, and are not the product of my imagination. All I did was take Rory Gilmore (who also does not belong to me) and have her use the ideas from "The Bedford Diaries."

**Author's notes: **A great big thanks to the best beta in the world, **fulfilled**. She kept me going when I was so discouraged I was ready to scrap this whole project.

Also, this is what I call a "quasi-crossover" – it takes ideas from the show "The Bedford Diaries" and mentions one character one time, but that's as far as it goes. The characters from BD and GG do not meet.

**Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition  
Prologue**

"Okay...Philosophy, Anthropology, Calculus, Political Science, English Literature, French, and German. Now for Tuesday..."

Rory laughs along with the television as she watches Carol Seaver pick out college classes. She remembers the excitement and thrill of those first weeks at Yale and picking, any and all classes to try — she had probably tried out thirty classes finally settling on the five that she had decided worked the best. She remembered raving to her mother about "shopping week" and gleefully recounting the details of each prospective class Her first semester, Rory had taken a few mandatory prerequisites, including College English, which had been her favorite class that semester. The "textbook," a book of short stories that they had discussed and dissected endlessly in class, stands in a prominent spot in her bookshelf and she still likes to pick it up and read from it occasionally. There was even an Astronomy class she had briefly considered taking, but it never ended up fitting into her schedule.

She abandons the TV for the computer, leaving the set on for background noise. Since Logan left two weeks ago, Rory's taken to leaving lights on all over the place, especially at night, and more often than not, both the radio and the television are left on to try and fill the silence. She doesn't really hear either one, but with everything on, the apartment doesn't seem quite so empty. Still, though, all the white noise in the world doesn't replace actually being with someone.

Colin and Finn are frequent visitors at the apartment, making themselves at home, and Rory is grateful for their company, but there's a glaring absence from the group. She can't bring herself to go to most pub nights with the guys and Juliet and Rosemary — she feels too much like a fifth wheel and it brings back too many nights spent there when she and the other girls would roll their eyes affectionately at the boys' drunken ramblings. Honor calls regularly, coaxing Rory out of the apartment for the occasional day of facials and mani-pedis. They share stories back and forth, and it's good to be with someone who misses him, too.

She re-reads every book she wanted to, but never had time for in the past. She watches all her favorite movies, but it loses something when there's not someone there to laugh or mock with. It's still not enough — Rory never knew that the days (and especially the nights) could be this long.

The summer months loom ahead of her. Even though she's taking a few classes during summer session, still trying to make up for the lost semester, it won't be as much of a distraction as she wants. Once the fall semester starts, Rory knows, she'll be much busier with a full load of classes and stuff for the paper. She'll have less time to feel lonely – not only will she have more responsibilities to fill her time, but there will be more people around to distract her.

After she finishes dashing off a quick email, arranging a lunch date to discuss the latest travesty in the life of Paris Gellar, she confirms her shopping plans with Honor, and then calls Lane, chatting for a few minutes until Lane's husband (her _husband_!) needs her. Turning back to the computer, Rory's fingers unconsciously go to her mouth and she chews on her nails while she checks on a few of her regular sites, The New York Times, The Hartford Courant, and Bad news, bad news, and more bad news! _The world is going to hell in a handbasket_, she thinks, then giggles at how much she sounds like her grandfather.

Rory prints out three copies of her daily schedule for when classes begin. Looking over it, she nods with approval. Not does she have down when her three classes are, but it also includes lunch, coffee breaks, and study time. She sticks one up on the fridge with a magnet, tucks one into her purse, and slips the other into her bag — a backup copy.

She finishes checking a few other sites but since she has time to kill before she has to meet with a professor, she starts browsing the catalogs for other schools. Paris has done this, telling Rory in detail about all the courses that Yale doesn't offer. Rory often checks on other schools' newspapers, to get ideas for the Daily News (and sometimes, ideas on what not to do), but today is the first time she's perusing other colleges' catalogs. Purposely, she stays away from all journalism classes — the point of this is to see what else is out there. A lot of schools have similar Gen-Ed classes, she notices, and chuckles lightly at the redundancy of every college's catalog. _I guess it really doesn't really matter, as far as academics go, which school you choose, _shethinks to herself and shrugs Browsing through Yale's catalog, she notes some of the stranger electives. _Bowling – as a class!_ she marvels.

Going back to the other schools, Rory decides to search for even more unusual electives. There have to be some classics out there — and she finds an abundance of them. There are classes she never would have even thought existed — topics that make no sense to be actual college courses, along with topics she never even heard of! Briefly, she wonders what sort of major some of these classes would count for — and thinks that all of these together would make one crazy major.

She comes across an Archaeology seminar called "Dig We Must!" in Utah. It's interesting, she thinks, but completely not her style. One of the Boston colleges offers a class on Disney literature , and Rory's certain that she and Lorelai would be the top students in that class. University of Illinois has one on German fairy tales, which she briefly considers checking out, then decides that she really doesn't have that much of an interest in the Brothers Grimm anymore. In California, there's a class that offers a feminist perspective on Hitchcock . _Cool!_ Rory thinks. She makes a mental note to watch all of Hitchock's movies again, and try to examine them as a feminist. Out in Ohio, there's a seminar that's called History of Rock & Roll , and Rory knows Lane would _love_ that class, and she sends her the link to check out.

Twenty minutes of browsing later, a seminar at Bedford University catches Rory's eye. _Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition_, taught by a Professor Jake Macklin. She laughs out loud at the title, thinking it's right up Finn's alley. A class on sex? That'd be one way to guarantee he attend. She clicks on the link to bring up the syllabus so she can tell him more about it and to her surprise, it actually sounds interesting. _The point of the class_, she reads, _is to explore who you are sexually and how it relates to who you are as a human being._ Sex, according to Professor Macklin, is G0d's greatest gift and G0d's greatest curse. Flipping to the class schedule, Rory becomes more and more intrigued by the topics. Sexual responsibility, keeping secrets, risk, abstinence — the list goes on. She notes that the students in the seminar will record video diaries every week on the topic discussed in class.

Rory glances at the clock and she's glad to see she still has five minutes before she has to leave. It takes ten minutes to walk to campus (though she always allows fifteen) and she's completely ready, all she has to do is grab her purse and walk out the door. Five minutes after she was supposed to leave, she's still hovered over the keyboard, reading the individual class descriptions. One more look at the clock tells Rory she now only has five minutes to get to her advisor's office, and she dashes out the door leaving the page up on the computer.

When Rory returns to the apartment three hours later after a meeting with a professor and a detour to the library, she's still mulling over the topics of the Bedford seminar. The more she thinks about it, the more interesting she finds it. She starts thinking that it might be a fun thing to do if she made her own journal, even if she can't actually take the class. It'd be a good way to fill the time, a new routine to start, and she might even benefit from it — discover something new.

She rummages through the desk drawers, finally surfacing with her treasure — an undersized notebook with a fancy blue cover that she had bought at a dollar store on a whim. Smoothing out the front page, she writes the title, and lists the topics below.

**Author's notes, part 2: **This is just where I give credit to the wonderful people on the G2M2 (a.k.a. GGMM, or the Gilmore Girls Meet Market on TWoP) who gave me suggestions on interesting electives. The colleges that I depicted these electives coming from are just completely random – the classes are not really from those colleges. So, "Dig We Must" is from **TAPhD**, the class on Disney literature is courtesy of **Summer InA Bowl**, the one on German fairy tales is from **Polter-Cow**, and the feminist perspective on Hitchcock is thanks to **annabelleonyx**. So thanks, all of you for contributing!


	2. My Sexual Past: Entry 1

A big huge thanks (as always) to my beta, **fulfilled**, who made this what it is today. She's my assigner, motivator, hand-holding and re-writer, and I couldn't do it without her.

**Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition  
Entry #1: Sexual Past**

23 May 2006

_What would you change about your sexual past? How does your past influence your present? Your future?_

What would I change about my sexual past? Probably the beginning. I really don't think much else – the beginning was enough by itself. I lost my virginity to my ex-boyfriend – my _married_ ex-boyfriend. It wasn't the best decision I ever made and I'm not particularly proud of it.

I had always seen Dean as safe and reliable, so after a year of uncertainty where everything was new and different, I allowed myself to get swept away by him. There are a million excuses I could give for what happened that night. I was lonely and frustrated with being single; Dean was upset with his life and annoyed with Lindsay. Dean was "safe," and I was reaching out to the familiar. He was regretting his choice and reached out for the past. The truth is, it doesn't matter. I slept with Dean while he was married. Really married – went-home-to-his-wife-after-he-left-my-bed married.

I say I'd like to change that, and maybe going back to Dean – regardless of his marital status – was not the best idea, but I'm sort of glad Dean was my first – in a way, Dean-the-perfect-first-boyfriend was the perfect person to be my "first." I don't think I would have been able to start with Logan the way I did if I had still been a virgin at the time. And Logan – as much of a playboy and womanizer as he was, he never would have allowed our relationship to start if I'd been a virgin, I can guarantee that. That was always a big thing with Logan – equal footing. Making sure the girls he was with knew the deal, right from the start – he was not a "commitment" guy, and they needed to accept that.

My sexual past actually started before I lost my virginity, now that I think about it. I never thought Dean would be the one I'd lose my virginity to. We dated for two years in high school but it was all very innocent and puppy love – nothing sexual. Now that I look back on it, I'm surprised that there was _nothing_ sexual about our relationship (until two years later, when there was _everything _sexual about it). We were sixteen – seventeen – healthy young adults, red-blooded American teenagers. Why _did_ we never go past kissing? I don't know. I just know it was something I never thought about.

Then there was Jess. We never had sex – or even came close, really – but just being around him was sexual. There was an energy about him – still is, really – that exudes sexuality. He was the first guy I ever thought was "sexy." Dean was cute, good-looking, sweet – but I never thought "sexy" with him. With Jess, though – he was really sexy. He opened me up to the possibility of sex, made me start thinking about it. If our relationship hadn't ended when it did, the way it did, I'm sure I would have slept with him.

Wow. I think I knew that, at the time, but I haven't really thought about it in years. Sleeping with Jess. Sex with Jess. Losing my virginity to Jess. It certainly would have made things a lot less complicated, for one thing. It just would've made sense. I'd say I'd like to change that – that it would have been Jess for my first time, and not a married Dean. Though it wasn't really a decision that I made – the ending of that relationship – so it's not really something that I could have done differently even if I'd wanted to.

When Logan and I started, it was all about "no strings," "no commitment," seeing other people – all very casual. I never thought I'd be okay with an arrangement like that, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The whole thing with Dean was still so fresh, and I thought I didn't want such a serious relationship. That my last one had been so disastrous, and the one before that had ended so horribly, that perhaps this non-relationship thing was the way to go. It wasn't fantastic, knowing I wasn't the only girl in his life (or in his bed) and I don't think I'd ever do it again, but I don't regret it. It's not on the list of things I'd do differently.

How does the past influence the present? If I hadn't dated Jess or even fallen for him in the first place – if I had stayed with Dean (and been happy and content in that relationship) – I don't know when or if sex would have started. I mean, I 'm sure we would have slept together but it wouldn't have been as big of a deal – in the good or the bad way.

My sexual past has helped to define who I am now. If I had still been a virgin when I met Logan – when the sparks started flying – I can almost guarantee that I would not be with him now. I would not have been able to do the no-strings sex for my first time. I divide my relationship with Logan into three parts. The first part – no commitment, no strings. The second part – "I can be a boyfriend." The third – after we got back together from the fight in the fall. Each part influenced the next.

Part 1, we explored the sexual part of our relationship – which was fun, don't get me wrong—but eventually I realized that it just wasn't going to cut it anymore. More and more, I hated not being the only girl. I thought I could handle it – I thought not having an actual relationship was the way to go, was the answer to my problems. But the more I thought about it, the more I hated thinking I wasn't special to him, that I was the same as everyone else. When I made up my mind to tell him that I couldn't do it anymore, he didn't quite see what I was saying, but it didn't matter. To this day, I don't know what made him decide to commit. Not that I minded, of course – I hadn't wanted to pressure him into doing anything he didn't want to do, but this was definitely better than the alternative. And that led to the next part, which led to the third part.

As for how my past influences the future, I honestly don't know. I think I've learned that everything in life, including sex, is an experience and everything builds upon everything else. My relationship with Dean (the first time – the first _two _times, really) influenced my relationship with Jess, and that, in turn, influenced not only the third try with Dean, but also my relationship with Logan as it is now. My experiences, sexual and otherwise, with Logan will have a great effect on my future. How that will be, however, remains to be seen.


End file.
